The Weight Of Guilt

by Alyssa Abeyta

Cover art by Alyssa Abeyta

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It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.

I had tried to put it behind me. Tried to let it go. Matt had seemed fine, even normal. We didn’t know what that serum could do. But just when I was beginning to forgive myself, just coming to terms with it, Nelson wiped it all away. Even saying his name, thinking about him and what I did had stirred up that guilt into some...monster. My hands still felt raw, already sore from the effort of destroying the Mountaineer. I had hoped it would have relieved some of the stress, but it had only amplified the guilt I was already feeling. Bailey had looked so scared, both of them. In the darkest moment, I had folded.

“Is that it?”

I looked up from the hole of guilt I was digging myself to see this odd...building stabbing through the sky. As Samantha’s car approached, the ticking of the satellite grew in speed. A pit settled in my stomach, anxiety already beginning to fly through me. Was he here? Was Ben with him? My hands twitched, eyes frantically looking for any sign of Ma-...Nelson.

“I think...,” I began, breath hitching in my throat, “...yeah, it is.” We all winced as a lone Tesla came into view, parked just off the road. Matt was here. No, it’s not him. It hasn’t been him for a long time. Stop it. It was. He was there, just...different.

What if he’s too far gone? Another doubt shot through me, one which I quickly swatted away. He couldn’t be. He was a strong dude, someone like Nelson couldn’t beat him easily. There had to be something left of Matt, something still fighting. Matt wasn’t one to give up. Jeez, dude, that sounds like he’s dying. Just calm down. I shook my head, taking in a deep breath and steeling myself to leave the car. The car was safe, secure. Who knew what could happen once we stepped out? The SPIRE held so many unknowns, so many different things could happen here, both good and bad.

This isn't about you, it’s about Matt. That reminder was enough to get me out of the car.

A closer look at the building told us this was Syntec. It was creepy and ominous, all signs that Nelson had had some authority over it. The building was white concrete, plain and unmarked. To a normal person, it would look like a random radio tower, if anything important at all. Who knew how long it had been here, and how sinister it really was. This was the thing that had been controlling Matt for months possibly, making it possible for all of this to be happening. You know that’s not true.

I looked to the others, who hesitated at the edge of the grass. None of us moved for what seemed like an eternity. Move your sorry butt, he’s down there! I obliged, clenching my fists and stepping onto the grass. Be strong, be courageous. Nelson hadn’t won yet, and I’d make sure he didn’t.

Approaching the SPIRE, we came upon what looked like a tube sticking out of the ground. It was considerably smaller, with a metal handle on it that resembled something found on a ship. It was round and weathered, evidence that it had been here for a while. And it was just big enough for a human to fit in.

“Is that a hatch?” I asked, carefully stepping up to the door. Samantha automatically shushed me, following me to it. I turned my eyes to her, a frown already planted on my face. Why was she being so blunt with me?

“If it is, that means they’re down there,” she whispered in my direction. I held the vlog camera as she placed her larger rig on the base of the SPIRE, pointing it toward us. She seemed surprisingly calm, though her voice gave away everything else. Like the rest of us, she was stressed and perhaps a bit scared. I hesitated in giving her the camera, trying to think of something we could do.

“Well, what do we do? We can’t just sit up here.” That’s right, we couldn’t. Not all of us, anyway. An idea began to form, and looking at Sam I could see she was having the same one. We couldn’t just sit up here, one of us had to go down there and see what was happening. That has to be me. But Sam only shook her head, already knowing what I was planning.

“I think I should go down. Bailey is in direct danger, and Woods you’re too wound up. You might hurt Matt-”

“I wouldn’t hurt him. I’m going,” I protested, the force behind my voice only seeming to cement her opinion against me.

“Woods, that's not a good idea.” Her whispers turned furious, jerking the camera away from me as I reached for it. I HAD to be the one. I couldn’t stand to see another person get hurt under my watch. It wouldn’t happen again, and I’d make sure of that. If anyone got hurt down there, it would be me.

“Yeah, but if you go down there and Ben gets violent, what happens? Sam, I HAVE to go.”

“Why? Woods if you’re this emotional you could-” I reached for the camera again, managing to snatch it out of her hands. I reached for the hatch, hoping to get away from them before more arguing ensued. We didn’t have time for bickering about something like this. As the hatch opened Sam and Bailey backed away, whatever complaint or ‘advice’ dying in Sam’s throat with a grunt. I rolled my eyes, casting one last silencing look at her before descending into the SPIRE.

I first noticed how cold it was. That was obvious with it being underground and all, but it was still a jarring difference from the surface. It was also dark. I could barely see the bottom of the ladder until the bottom of my shoes slapped against the floor. Way too loud dude. I grimaced, lowering

my other foot onto the ground at a painstakingly slow pace. There was a dim light coming from somewhere behind me and with that the soft clicking of a keyboard.

Steadying the vlog camera in my shaky hands I advanced, coming up behind a wall of metal shelving. I managed to squeeze the camera between two random objects, capturing what was going on in front of me.

There he is. I sucked in a breath, the camera shaking more as my eyes landed on Matthias. He sat at a large display, multiple computer monitors blinking and displaying information I couldn’t even begin to understand. He continued to type, occasionally looking up at one of the screens. I watched him type, wishing, hoping he’d suddenly turn around and come back. Hoping he’d be Matt again. But as I watched, it didn’t happen. That isn’t Matt, that’s Nelson. Matt’s gone.

“I think we’re ready.”

I flinched, camera tapping against the shelving as Nelson turned in his chair. A dark figure stood beside him, red goggles casting a sinister glow over his face. The shaking of my hands only got worse, and I swear Nelson flicked his eyes in my direction. What would I do if he saw me? I couldn’t hit him- but if I was trapped down here, I might meet the same end as I did when-

“Woods. There’s no need to hide, ” he called in a sickly sweet voice. I froze, all except for my damn hands, which continued to tremble and knock the camera around. Idiot. I had two choices. Stay here, or confront him. He didn’t seem to have the codes yet, so maybe I could stall. Maybe, and I cursed myself for even having such a desperate thought, but maybe I could help Matt regain control.

I stepped out from behind the shelving, gripping the camera so tightly I thought I heard the plastic handle crack. Matt’s blue eyes, once friendly, now coldly took in my presence. I couldn’t find any evidence of him, not even a gesture or expression. He’s gone, Woods.

“I’m surprised they sent you down here.”

His tone put me on edge, lighting a rather short fuse within me. It was sarcastic, almost demeaning. I couldn’t stand when people talked to me if I were lesser than them. What made it worse was that he already seemed to know what happened. Was I that predictable?

“Let. Him. Go.”

Nelson chuckled, though the gesture didn’t reach his eyes. His expression remained dark, which made me more squeamish under his gaze. He didn’t break eye contact, tilting his head slightly to the side as if he were pondering something. Then an emotion like amusement flashed across his face, his mouth twitching up in a half-smirk.

“Or what? You wouldn’t want to hurt Matthias anymore than you already have, would you?”

“You don’t know anything about that-”

“I’ve learned a lot about what he thinks of you and ‘that,’” he shot back. That fuse burned up. I stepped forward, my knuckles now white around the camera. I was angry at him for invading Matt’s head, for using him. I was angry at the whole situation, and I wanted nothing more than to knock his teeth out. I had to admit, it’d be insanely satisfying.

“You know nothing about him. You-You just used him, like you used my family friend and everyone else! You don’t know him!!” Nelson didn’t look scared but continued to watch me. He said nothing, perhaps waiting for more. And boy did I have a lot to get off of my chest.

“Don’t pretend you know Matt, because you don’t! The only reason you’ve even gotten to this point is because of him, you couldn’t even do it yourself!! If he had a problem with what I did, he would’ve told me!” The words just kept coming, more and more spilling out of my mouth. I had come up within a foot of him, beginning to say more when Benjamin shoved me backward.

I did not need that. Still holding the camera in my hand I grabbed his jacket, throwing him away from me. I was seeing red as I lunged towards Nelson. I couldn’t stop myself. Nelson’s eyes widened as I grabbed his jacket, satisfaction making my anger feel justified. I had finally wiped that smug look off of his face. Off of Matt’s face, where it didn’t belong.

“You know nothing about any of us. You failed at tearing us apart, and you’ll fail-” I didn’t get to finish, letting out some kind of growl as I was grabbed from behind. The camera nearly fell from my hands, prompting me to let go of Nelson’s coat. I was pulled away from him, watching as he merely straightened the coat and met my eyes again. Whatever small amount of fear had been present was quickly erased. I struggled against the hands around my arms like a wild animal, trying to get back to Nelson.

“You’re wrong about one thing.” He finally spoke, a hint of anger in his voice, “I’m here because of you.”

My struggles slowed to a stop as he spoke. The camera creaked in protest in my hands, and my heart began to throb in my ears. That’s what I had been telling myself for so long. Hearing it out loud only seemed to cement the fact in my heart.

Ben’s grip remained strong on my arms, which now lay limp at my sides. “You...You’re wrong.” Why was I denying it? I knew, he did too. Was that what Matt thought?

“Am I? It’s easy to shift the blame onto me or Deborah, isn’t it? That’s what you told yourself at first. But you knew, you always have. If you had just listened to Samantha OR Matthias, you’d still be dealing with Ben.” His tone was matter-of-fact, sure of himself. And he was right. Of course, he was right. He was echoing my thoughts, everything.

Nelson continued, taking a step towards me. The camera began to shake again, and my chest grew tight.

“There isn’t just one bad guy in this story, Woods. You just got lucky. Everyone has conveniently forgotten about what happened. But that doesn’t mean he has.” I sucked in a breath, eyes traveling to the floor. Ben released my arms, red lights dissipating as he moved to the ladder. I made no effort to stop him, as if my feet were frozen to the ground. That mantra from earlier returned. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault...

“Did you come down here looking for your redeeming moment? To maybe save him somehow? Like you did in that trap?”

I shook my head, but I knew the answer. To be the hero. I needed to redeem myself, as he said. I was coming to realize that the possibility of saving him was slim, and quickly disappearing. And I was doing nothing. Nothing but drowning in the guilt and fear of losing him. Everyone.

“I did. But I just-” I was cut off again as Ben returned. He drifted past me as if I wasn’t there. In his hand was a small piece of paper. Through the haze of guilt, I saw him pass the paper to Nelson.

“They found two codes,” he said, his distorted voice jarring me out of my stupor. No... “Peppermint and Hazelnut.” What did that mean for the girls? Were they alright? Had my coming down here left them vulnerable? What had I done?

“Hazelnut, an old friend.” Nelson took the paper, turning back to that massive control panel. I watched, not able to do anything else. What could I do? I couldn’t risk hurting Matt.

“I do have a solution to your problem. You can save Matthias.” He was messing with me now. I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t.

“Wh-...What? How?” I asked anyway. He nodded, eyes meeting mine with the slimiest of expressions.

“All it takes is a sacrifice. A small one compared to saving your friend, yes?” A sacrifice? I’d gladly give myself up for Matt ten times over, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be much use to Nelson...and neither could Samantha...

“Bailey? I couldn’t...You’re sick.” He breathed out a laugh, punching in the last of the code.

“You want to save him, don’t you? The only way I’d let that happen was if I had a replacement. But if you’re not willing...” His voice trailed off and lifted a plastic cover, revealing a large red button. How could he expect me to do that? To give up Bailey? But it’d save Matt... The idea made me sick.

“No. That’s...no.” I couldn’t answer. He sighed and pressed his thumb into the button. He stood there, a sick look of satisfaction blooming on Matt’s face before his eyes frantically turned to the central screen. They were wide, almost bulging out of his head.

“What?! No no no, why is it not responding?!” I frowned, glancing at Ben. He remained motionless beside the computer. Nelson continued to mash the button, his movements growing more panicked before he straightened his back.

“You switched the codes on me, didn’t you?” He gave Ben no time to answer, grabbing Ben much as I had and backing him up against the wall of gorilla shelving.

“You think this even matters?!” I flinched as his voice rose, the anger foreign to even Matt.

“I have accounted for EVERYTHING!! Every backstabber, every betrayal, I am one step ahead. When he comes he will see that I am the absolute!” I thought he was finished, until he turned on me. The rage on his face made me stumble backward.

“They’ll never forgive you!! No matter WHAT you do, you’ll never earn-” The anger suddenly died and he tipped backward, away from me. His eyes widened, hands coming up in front of him as he backed himself into a corner and slid down the wall. An alarm sounded on the control panel, the lights behind it shifting from red to blue.

What had happened? Ben let out a sigh, leaning against the panel. Even with his mask on, I could tell he was tired. But what had happened?

I turned to Matt, watching him take in the room. Like he had never seen it before. I could feel how scared he was, which made me want to run up to him. But I hesitated. If this was really happening, I didn’t want to scare him. He already looked terrified.

“Matt?” I asked, taking a step in his direction. It could be Nelson, just playing some sick trick on me. He’d played a big trick for months, I wouldn’t put it past him.

“Wo-Woods? Where...What’s happening?” His voice kicked me into gear. I closed the distance between us, not able to explain exactly what happened. I was still trying to come to terms with it as well. How would he take it? Did he know about Nelson?

“We’re- uh-... Let’s get you out of here.” I reached a hand out towards him. He didn’t take it right away, which made those fears from earlier return. Inhaling through my nose I set the camera on

the panel and tried again. I saw him swallow hard before he took my hand, his palms warm and sweaty. As he stood up he swayed, which left me rushing to catch him. His eyes were a mix of fear and confusion as he met mine. Then he turned to Ben. I began to put my hand out in front of him, as protection, but he rushed past me and tackled Ben.

“Matt-” I stopped my protest, heart twisting. He was hugging him. A pang of jealousy struck through me. Didn’t I...no, I didn’t. He switched the codes. As much as I hated it, he seemed to be the real hero of the day. Switching the codes brought Matt back, but I still couldn’t shake the jealousy. Even under mind control, he had done something. While I stood there and let Nelson rip me a new one. I averted my eyes with a sigh, which brought my attention back to the camera. It sat on the control panel, lens pointed towards Matt and Ben. I realized it had been recording the whole thing. Everything that Nelson had said, everything he’d done. I looked at Matt, then at the camera.

Before I knew what I was doing, I took the camera in my hands and ended the recording. I quickly removed the memory card, wordlessly sliding it into my pocket. No one needed to see what had happened, especially Matt. He was back. And if he needed to tell me anything, he would.

---

TWO WEEKS LATER, BLUE BASE

Two or so weeks had passed since the whole SPIRE incident. Matt had taken the week off, as did most of us. The memory card burned a hole in my pocket, but it had remained in that pocket since the SPIRE. I couldn’t bother to look at it. What Nelson had said was still raw in my mind, the wound he’d reopened not even beginning to heal. Every time it crossed my mind a wave of nauseating guilt followed, so much so that I had to spend the majority of my week “off” sleeping or distracting myself with mundane things. Yes, he was back, but it had still happened. It shouldn’t have. There isn’t just one bad guy in this story, Woods.

The door to Blue Base beeped, but I ignored it. Staring at the screen of my computer made it look like I was working, even though I really wasn’t. I couldn’t focus. He was coming back today, and it had gotten to the point where I had almost called in sick. Could I see him today? Would he remember anything?

“Hey, Woods!” I jumped, eyes flashing to the door.

“Oh, hey, Matt.” He’s back, stop worrying. I remained seated, watching him greet the others with a vlog camera in his hand. That vlog camera. He was back to normal. Or rather, back to seven-months-ago Matthias. I hadn’t seen him vlog in so long, or even genuinely smile. The guilt twisted further in my chest. But I was happy to see him happy, and that’s all that mattered to me. Stop lying to yourself.

I waited until he had finished filming. I didn’t want to leave in the middle of it, or risk drawing attention to myself. He remained chipper, even after he turned the camera off. I stood up and headed to the door. No one had noticed the memory card was gone, because Matt had taken the camera home with him. But the card remained with me. I still had to keep an eye on it. Despite everything on it, I couldn’t let it go or just throw it away. It was still Matt’s camera, and he’d know something was missing. That’s why I needed to leave before he could bring it up.

“Woods, can I talk to you for a second?” I froze near the door. Fear coursed through me, images flashing through my mind of that day. He’d been so angry. Was I back to that day again? The file in my apartment, Matt threatening to get the police involved. I shakily took my hand from the door, taking a deep breath in. Something was different about this time. He didn’t sound angry. He wasn’t threatening me, though I was still terrified. That was Nelson. NOT Matt.

“Uh yeah, sure!” I turned, forcing a smile on my face. The memory card seemed to grow in heat, searing into my skin. He knew, he knew. Was he mad? Upset? I couldn’t tell. Stuffing my hands in my pockets I palmed the card, hoping that this was just about something else.

It wasn’t. As I stepped into his office he closed the door, turning his eyes to me. My heart quickened in my chest. He didn’t say anything at first, just looking at me. Then, he moved to his desk. I silently followed, taking a seat on the white couch. I couldn’t keep still, my leg beginning to bounce before I had even sat down. What would he say? Would he say anything? It was killing me.

“Look, I know you took the memory card.” My leg stilled. He wasn’t mad, or at least didn’t sound mad. Just...empathetic. Like he knew why. But did he? I had never spoken about it, even shown I was guilty. I should’ve, but I didn't.

I didn’t respond, still holding the card in my hand. What was I supposed to say? I was scared, more now of what he’d do than what happened to me.

“I’m not mad. I saw you do it in the SPIRE, but I didn’t understand until now. I just...Want to see it. I still only remember the little things,” he explained. I looked over, expecting him to be staring me down. But instead, his eyes were on the desk. Whatever guilt I was feeling, I knew for him it was doubled. Tripled, even. He wanted to know what Nelson had done. But I still hesitated.

“I don’t...Why do you want to see it? Nelson was a nasty guy....”

‘I know he was, and that’s why I want to know. N-Need to know, even. Knowing what he did in my body will help me come to terms with it.” I sighed, already pulling my hand out of my pocket. Shaking, I placed the card silently on his desk. He didn’t know what Nelson had said. Could I listen to it again? Could I bear hearing those true accusations against me being spoken?

I watched as he took the card, flipping it silently in his hands. He was hesitating, just like I had. It didn’t last nearly as long though, putting the card into the reader, which was already plugged

into his computer. It barely took anything for the video to be pulled up. Sam had started the recording sometime before we reached the SPIRE.

“Are you sure, Matt?” I wanted to get up, to leave. I couldn’t hear it again, I couldn’t hear all of that in his voice. I understood why he needed to watch it, but it still set me on edge. He nodded, slowly moving the mouse over to the play button. Click.

For the first part of the video, I merely stared at the floor. My leg had begun bouncing again, fingers picking at the calluses on my hands. I knew what was coming, and now I couldn't stop it. But when I started hearing myself, I had to look. I needed to know how he was reacting. However selfish that was.

His face remained solemn, the creases on his forehead deepening as he listened. My foot tapping only got quicker, my calf beginning to grow sore with the effort. I had managed to pull off one callus when he hit the spacebar. The break in silence made me jump. He rubbed his face with his hands, and I caught a glimpse of his glossy eyes before he closed them. Was he crying? I could already feel my throat getting that all too familiar ache in it at the possibility.

It took him a while to speak, which added to the teetering tower that was my emotions. I couldn’t stand it. I knew he was struggling...But the constant anticipation left me with a weight on my chest, breathless.

“What he said...” His voice broke, my leg moving at mach speeds now. I watched him take a deep breath and try again.

‘What he said wasn’t true. I never...I’ve never held that against you. Ever.” He looked up, meeting my eyes. The look on his face brought down my tower. My hands wrought together, my throat burning with tears. He looked so genuine, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe him. It was stupid, I know. I wouldn’t forgive myself if it were me. But he’s not you.

“I-I know...I know he was lying.” I took a shaky breath in, out. In, out. I couldn’t break down here, not now. He needed me.

“It’s like, I know he was lying, but I also don’t, you know? But he...Oh God, he also knew how I felt. Every day I told myself those things, everything he said, and more.” The words came before I could think, spilling out of me in a cracking and jumbled sort of way. Clearing my throat I forced my hands under my legs to stop the picking.

“It’s okay. Look I don’t blame you for keeping this. I’m not mad you did,” he said quietly, looking at the screen again. Matt shook his head, rapidly closing the tab.

“Thank you.”

I nodded, blinking back the tears. He had managed to keep his emotions in check, but somehow I couldn’t. One tear escaped, traveling down my jaw before I could wipe it away and before I could hide it from Matt. I tried to sniffle as quickly as possible, clearing my throat in an attempt to rid myself of its tightness. We had never confronted this before. Like Nelson had said, it was pretty much forgotten about, buried under everything else that had happened to us.

But, I now wished this moment had happened sooner. Man, it was painful. We sat in silence for what felt like forever, me stifling the urge to start sobbing.

Matt stood, stepping around his desk. Was he ending this, just like that? That sounded wrong, but I had almost wanted...more. More talking. As much as I avoided this topic, the chance to talk had sprung up and all we did was sit. You don’t deserve that. I stood, already stepping towards the door when he grabbed me. Flinching, I didn’t register what was going on until he had his arms around me.

A hug?

I began to open my mouth, going to complain or explain why I didn’t deserve whatever he was doing. I reached up to push him away, only to stop. I stood there, stiff as a board. As much as I disagreed with him doing this, I had to think. Was this his way of forgiving me? Or, well, solidifying the fact that he forgave me? It almost felt too good to be true.

Don’t make it awkward, idiot. I quickly returned the hug. But how could I forgive myself? I could still feel the guilt, a dark yawning abyss within me. Would it ever go away? It didn’t feel like it. I couldn’t imagine a day when it’d finally be gone, perhaps even forgotten.

‘They’ll never forgive you!!’ I squeezed my eyes shut, shoving that voice back. That wasn’t true. Not anymore, at least. This was evidence of his forgiveness, right? The hugging, and the talking? It was beginning to feel like it. He wouldn’t do this if he hated me. At least, that’s what I thought this was all about. He wouldn’t be doing it for any other reason. But if MATT could forgive me, wasn’t there some hope for myself? There had to be. If this was possible, so was that.

That weight shifted, ever so slightly. I rested my eyes on the computer again. The video would probably be uploaded. That sent a shiver of fear down my spine, but I knew it had to happen. He’d watch the rest of it. All of it was necessary, a painful type of necessity.

We said nothing to each other, standing in his office in a tight hug. I wish this could fix it all. It would’ve been so easy.

Perhaps ‘easy’ wasn’t what I needed. And I knew that, no matter how badly I wanted it, easy would never happen.

But I knew this was a start.

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